Being weird & awkward... ft. GIRLS

Saturday, August 08, 2015

People talk about how awkward it is when you are a teenager. Yes, you have mountains of pimples and hair so bad that will shock you when you look back at school photos (or any photo at all)... But I am just now discovering that my early 20's are truly the time that I am awkward. 

I finished school a couple of years ago. Whilst all (and everyone) of my group of friends went off to uni to study, I decided to work full time because that was what was right for me. When you first leave school you so badly want to go back to a care-free school life and also be a complete grown up who works in a office and drinks a strong cup of coffee. It doesn't work that way. 

We leave home, proudly knowing that every decision and choice from now on is our own. But we so badly wish that with every problem we face that our parents can handle it for us. We don't know little things like wether its a good idea to drink vodka out of a bottle, or be classy and drink a nice wine out of an expensive glass. We desperately want the responsibly of being an adult, but have no clue how to handle half of the situations and end up being in fetus position crying.

Being a adult is so hard. Everyone tells you how hard life is, but you still have no idea how HARD. Have you seen the series Girls? Not a single one of them have no clue what they are doing or even any idea about their lives. That shit is real. That's why I watch it because it doesn't make me feel so weird about myself. HBO could have just as well wrote it about me... 

All the new people at work are just starting to make friends with one and other. They have exchanged numbers and have their lunch break together. Whilst I spend quality time with my phone. The hard part is that I am really shy and sometimes I get really bad anxiety and I can't explain it because I am  also really loud, outgoing and bubbly person. I laugh a lot and I say and do a lot of silly things. I poke fun at myself. I dance like no tomorrow and sing opera as loud as I can. And I really wish that I knew how to show it to everyone!

When I am comfortable with someone, I can be myself. I am completely useless around a large group of people. I can never find the right time to jump in and say somethings. A lot of people also intimidate me. So when someone is as loud and boastful as me, I don't stand a chance. I also find it extremely hard to small talk with some people. I feel like I'm not saying the right thing, or that I'm not cool enough and I just simply worry that they are judging me...

Sometimes after spending time with some people, or meeting someone for the first time, I have tried to change myself. Which is the worst thing that I could do. Because I'm not being honest with myself. And that is when I came to the conclusion as to why I am feeling so awkward... It's because I am still unsure about myself and who I am. And part of being a young adult is finding who you are. This is the time of your life when incredible things happen and you actually find yourself. Not when you are a goofy teenager...

People are still amazed about how much food I consume everyday. I guess that my teenage me is still shining bright. I don't feel right eating at an expensive fancy restaurant... because lets face it: I don't make enough money to pay $60 for a meal. I can buy one weeks amount worth of food with that one meal! I over react a lot & I don't know how to deal with a lot of situations... So I just usually pretend like it never happened. I like to party, I just don't like to write myself off, and in all honesty, staying in sounds a lot better than bumpin' & grinding' in a sweaty club. A lot of people don't understand that... And that is why I have come to the conclusion that I am just going to accept this weird stage of my life that I am going through. Just try to be myself, stop trying to fit in and impress people. And who cares if I eat so much that people give me weird judgmental looks... I'm a growing girl!

Emily x

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