I'm still afraid of the dark

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

I have recently turned 21 and yes, I am still afraid of the dark... Or more so, what lies in the dark. Up until to this current date, I have only ever spent 2 nights by myself completely. I would say it is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I was never left alone over night when I was younger  because I was not old enough and I come from a big family so there really was no reason for me to ever be alone. Even when I moved out of home when I was 18, I still couldn't spend a night on my own, because thankfully, someone was always there. Then, a year later, I moved into my boyfriend and his mothers home and they where always there too.

Little did I know in 2014, that it would be the year that I would face my worst fear... A night on my OWN. It was Christmas. My boyfriend and his mum left to go to Yamba for the night. I was off to see my own family and I had work the next day, on boxing day morning. Otherwise I would have went with them. I thought I was ready to spend a night on my own, and really, this fear of mine was getting out of hand. There was only one way to do it... And it was to just do it!

So I did, and I didn't sleep once that night. Not even with a giant knife next to me or with the lamp on. No matter what crazy thing I did to make myself feel better and safer, I just could not sleep. I jumped at every noise, even when I was deliriously tired, and thought up every worst scenario that could have happened. The worst part was when I was told everyone that I slept fine that night and all I got was "See! I told you that you would be fine!" Then 6 months later, I did a second night, and I'm proud to say that I did sleep for most of the night.

No matter how much I convince myself that I will be ok, I can't and won't believe it. Not when there are murderers, robberies, rapist, ghosts, stalkers, and even possibly aliens watching me, just waiting until I dose off to put a metal tracker in my body. The list is endless. There are just too many horrible things that happen in this world, and I would like to say that I am ready for whatever comes my way. Whether it's a black out and I have candles and matches ready to go or to someone stealing me and selling my body parts on the black market and I can prevent them with a crow bar... I will always, always, always be prepared for the worst.

I'm not sure where this fear has come from (maybe too many movies), but hopefully, sleeping alone will be something that I can one day do happily. But for now, I'm happy with the thought of protecting myself with a little deodorant to the eyeballs and a jab with a stanley.

Sweet Dreams xx

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